Man with a Live Wire

by Fred Kluth

Moving into this new moon cycle has been all about releasing and emptying what has come to the surface from the hidden depths. The journey here has been an emotional one, faced with uncomfortable mirrors on the outside and disquieting questions of judgement on the inside.
 
I have struggled in the past with feelings of rage, self-worth and questioned my ability to be enough.  I have felt the familiar feeling that there is an elusive unknown code that I need to decipher.  If I do all these certain steps, in this exact right order, then the universe will reward me.  I attribute this experience as a result from being raised in the United States of America, steeped in the hidden systemic belief that some people are more deserving than others.  That insidious dogma has been hidden underneath the American Dream all this time. It’s what has driven people to believe change is not necessary, that we should not be of service or help make life better for others. A product of my catholic upbringing, even though I do not consciously believe in this, I  still struggle against it. Now that so much that was hidden has reared its ugly head, come out of the closet into full view, and risen to the surface from the murky depths, I am faced with the echoes of these shadows within myself. ​

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The practice in all of this I know is to keep returning to my true center when these doubts resound within. In this process of releasing what hurts me, and others, emptying the space of these doubts occupied within me, I entered a deep process that took me on a very unexpected journey within to my core.  I touched upon a part of myself I didn’t know I had abandoned.  
 
I have visited this subject before, the subject of my circumcision. Over the years I have uncovered the rage, the loneliness and feeling of utter abandonment. After I was circumcised, something crumbled inside me, something on a basic level told me I was not good enough as I was and therefore I had to be cut off from my senses.   This time I went deeper and deeper into my body, releasing energy, my muscles aching, moving my body in new ways and moving closer and closer to the muscle-memory of the trauma of my circumcision.  A familiar feeling of “they don’t want me” and a physical recoiling from affection and belonging came up. Deep infant recoiling, preverbal feelings of not being accepted, which for years has made full embodiment impossible for me.  To attempt descending my energy fully into and through my pelvis – which is what we need to do to be grounded - was to be filled with all these difficult feelings for me.  It was like trying to grab hold of an electric wire.
 
After cycling through feelings of fear and abandonment, moving into and through all the domino effect of feelings, on the other side of this process, I felt a feeling of deep and full embodiment in my pelvis, able to access subtle parts of my physical body in a fuller way. I felt a connection to my pure innocent child self, perfect and beautiful residing inside my body.  The spirit of an infant, a shining part of grace and love that I was before I was circumcised.  This pure innocent essence of ourselves lives within the center of all of us always and is never truly lost.
 
As I relate all of this, I release my parents from any blame or anger about being circumcised.  This is my journey and a deep one for which I have no map. My partner guides me into my body and encourages me to face my shadows. 

I release these unhelpful repeating patterns and thought forms, like broken records repeating endlessly.  I choose to change the record and release all negative belief systems. I give myself the authority to live a fully embodied life. I experience and acknowledge that I am already surrounded by love, success and friendship.  I release these old patterns and allow my thoughts to spiral into new directions, to create new neural pathways. I am singing a new song to myself about how much I love I feel for myself, and for those around me.  It is this new path that will allow me to feel the sacred love of the Universe which flows within me and around me.  It is this new path that the new moon brings for us to choose to lead the way forward.

This new moon, it is necessary to release the charge of all the negative energies that are coming into consciousness.  Plant new seeds charged with life to grow within the spaces that have been emptied of all the old clutter.

Art: Spiral by Fred Kluth